OMG IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL I WANT TO PAINT IT ON MY WALL IN GIANT LETTERS AND SCREAM IT TO THE SKY WITH ALL OF MY SAPPY SUGAR-COATED HEART!


lol i jumped a little when i saw that you posted. YAY.

ONCE AGAIN, YOU POSTING THINGS RIGHT AFTER I GET OFF THE COMPUTER IS NOT SMART ELLEN, NOT SMART AT ALL

the critique-y bits (blah):

there is three of them should be there are three of them, if i'm not mistaken, which i could be.

Six eyes on us, "Six" does not need to be capitalized.

“Get into the truck” she says, there should be a comma there--"Get into the truck," she says,

dancing through our veins the same way they dance above. "above" is not a good indication here. maybe describe "above" for us? above, like heaven? just above your heads?

Then we’re in and ...in what?

nothing stops now, nothing can stop us now. should read like nothing stops now; nothing can stop us now. and if you could, set that even more apart, because it's a good line and deserves some type of emphasis or consummation.

Two sets of rolled-down windows, the better to play the music louder. this is more of a suggestion but i like it as Two sets of rolled-down windows (the better to play the music louder).

One stereo thumping out Can’t Touch This. i think this would be more effective if you put maybe an actual line from the song--a telltale one, so everyone obviously knew what you were alluding to.

Six Cheshire Cat Smiles to capture a moon "Smiles" NEED NOT BE CAPITALIZED, GOOD SIR, and i think this would be more powerful if you put "the moon" over "a moon," but then i can see if you used it as "a moon" to signify the sort of broad feel of attraction/flirtation. same with world, though--"the world."

--
_{dark pictures, thrones, the stones that pilgrims kiss,
poems that take a thousand years to die;
but ape the immortality of this
red label on a little butterfly.
-vladimir nabokov}

lulz. Well maybe you should just stay on the computer then, Linna! This was posted quite early for me! ^-^

OH GOD HOW DOES MY GRAMMER SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU AND EM?! Like seriously? I should totally send you all of my stuff, but then I would feel bad and want to edit it and it would never get posted. And if my computer weren't being slower than christmas (you may get back Sims quicker than you imagined if the thing won't start moving my internet along a little faster) than I would re-upload this now.

1-3, 6: Thank you for pointing out my flaws, numerous as they are.
4: I thought the heat-lighting above was obvious, as there would be heat-lighting in the sky. Apparently I am not as coherent as I thought.
5: Same with in, which is supposed to be in the truck.
7: Thank you for the suggestion, and I like it, but I think I am going to cheerfully ignore it because of the way I want it said. *muses* but that line reminds me far too much of Little Red Riding Hood, and should be fixed, I think.
8: *nod nod*
9: This is where Ellen went "hell, what gets capitalized in this? Everything? Nothing? BLAH!" and so. And yes, can't believe I violated Strunk and White by changing my list articles! They are all suposed to be either a or the (I think), and since a joy of carpe-diem doesn't work, they are all supposed to be the.

I swear I want to marry you for critiquing my work. *online hug* I LUBB YOU LINNA!

(side note: do you think the third stanza is too choppy? I think it's too choppy.)

--
"Heavy is the head that weareth the awesome."
-[link]

4: yes i was totally confused by this ._. crazy ellen and what goes on in her head!

5: ..i thought it was kind of obvious you were in the truck? and weren't you in the truck for a long time before you announced you were in the truck?

7: oh. i thought the allusion to little red riding hood was purposeful, 'cause i liked it >>;

IT'S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO MY BEST FRIEND.
..ONLY IN A TOTALLY MANLY WAY.
_{have you seen the guy-love song?}

i thought the choppiness was a good parallel to the first stanza's (do you mean paragraph?) jumpiness.

--
_{dark pictures, thrones, the stones that pilgrims kiss,
poems that take a thousand years to die;
but ape the immortality of this
red label on a little butterfly.
-vladimir nabokov}

I SUCK SO HARD AT CONCRIT LATELY UNLESS IT IS ON PAPER BEFORE ME.

But I do like it, the sort of slice-of-life feel. It feels almost like LeeAnn's writing to me, stylistically.

--
_{Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist. Keep loving, keep fighting.}

Hells yes! Now that my computer has stopped failing so hard, I can edit this! (First, however, I shall nap.)

4. Hmm.
5. *cough* that isn't clear, either. The first stanza we're not in the car, and then we get in, and at the end of the second stanza, we're in the car and pulling out. *dies over unclear piece*
7. It was noted, but not purposeful. I don't /like/ Little Red Riding Hood.

^__^ (no, I haven't. *will go look it up just for the name*)

I just think that the second one is too jumpy, or too rushed, or something.
THIS POEM WILL NOT ESCAPE MY MAD EDITING SKILLZ!

--
"Heavy is the head that weareth the awesome."
-[link]

I will print out one for you after I've messed around with it myself. And when I get it perfect, I shall hand it to you and you can content yourself ripping it to shreds, as you usually do. (BTW, you still have some poem of mine that you were supposed to rip up, that I had already written on, and I want it BACK!)

(I am not denying that I am seizing the advantage I get from reading L's stuff, because she is the one who truly made me figure out what structure is, and how it can make a point.)

--
"Heavy is the head that weareth the awesome."
-[link]

5: okay--first you say "they wait for us to pull out," which totally implies that you are in the truck and physically attempting to pull out, and then later you say you just got in the truck, which does not make sense since you would have to be in the truck to be pulling out of the parking lot in it.

--
_{dark pictures, thrones, the stones that pilgrims kiss,
poems that take a thousand years to die;
but ape the immortality of this
red label on a little butterfly.
-vladimir nabokov}

...oops.
I have no defense.
*struck down by self-inflicted nonsense*

Also: I caught you online, hee! *waves*

--
"Heavy is the head that weareth the awesome."
-[link]

you did, you did!

but only in-between reading posion apple.

--
_{dark pictures, thrones, the stones that pilgrims kiss,
poems that take a thousand years to die;
but ape the immortality of this
red label on a little butterfly.
-vladimir nabokov}